The Theory of Human Relativity

Have you ever heard the phrase "you're not the center of the Universe"? While it may be correct from the perspective of a physicist, from a psychological perspective it's just plain wrong.

We humans are nothing more than a collection of experiences and memories housed in a body that is wired first and foremost for mental and physical self-preservation. Because of that, in terms of our perception of the outside world, we actually ARE the center of our universe.

And that brings with it a ton of problems, as I’m sure you’re well aware!

Are you familiar with the terms objective and subjective? For something to be objective, it can't be skewed in any way by an individual's perception of things. It is the way it is, regardless of who observes it or how they perceive it. The underlying rules of mathematics and physics are objective, testable and repeatable.

Subjective, on the other hand, depends entirely on the point of view of the observer. The Theory of Relativity, for example, states this quite nicely. Perception, the "location" (physical or mental) of the observer, is everything. Various cognitive biases, such as confirmation bias, are perfect examples of this at play.

Each and every one of us, because we are unique, is viewing the world through a different lens than everyone else around us.

Unfortunately this creates unavoidable dissonance, and varying degrees of conflict between us and those who view the world from different points of view.

I think I'm right, you think you're right, they think they're right…so who is right? Is anyone right? It depends on the question, who is asking, and who is answering. It’s all a matter of perspective.

Let's take a rather common thought/question: Am I a good person?

At face value, that seems like a simple yes or no question...but it's not. The answer depends entirely on the system of measurement. Good compared to what? According to whose definition? In fact, I'm not sure you could ask a more loaded, subjective question.

If you were raised in a religious family, your definition of a good person could be very different than that of someone who was raised in a non-religious family. Someone raised in a society where morals are taught and prized would answer differently than someone raised in the wilderness by wolves. Someone raised in China would answer very differently than someone raised in America.

Goodness, like so many things in life, is subjective.

Because of this, the connections we make in life are largely governed by how closely someone else's reality lines up with ours. Think of it like overlapping circles; the middle space that both circles share is your common ground (where your individual "universes" overlap), and common ground is the most effective foundation from which to build.

As a marketer by trade, I’ve found this to be exceptionally true. Marketing (and sales for that matter) isn't really about selling people things, but rather, it’s about knowing who you need to reach, what pain they face that you can solve, making sure your message will mesh with their version of reality, and then getting in front of them with that message at a time when it will have the most impact.

Great marketing is all about mental and emotional empathy, being able to put yourselves in someone else’s shoes in order to craft a compelling story that will resonate with them.

Regardless of your profession or role in life, this is one lesson that you can’t afford to ignore. Most problems, most conflict, and most barriers you face in life will come down to a disconnect between how you and how someone else views the world.

The key to overcoming this is developing the ability to mentally put yourself in someone else’s shoes, find some common ground to build on, and then determining how to re-phrase or re-approach the issue in a way that better aligns with their view of reality.

One last example, to put it all in context.

Let’s say I’m a used car salesman, and you walk into my dealership. In this case, the common ground is simple: I have cars, and you probably want a car.

However, if I walk up to you and immediately start trying to sell you the latest and greatest sports coupe, how effective do you think I’m going to be? Not very effective, because despite the common ground, I’m clearly acting in my own best interest and know nothing about you (being the quintessential used car salesman), which is at odds with you being the center of your universe.

However, if I were to walk up and say, “Hey, I’m Sam. Could I grab you a water or coffee or soda?” If you say yes, I have a chance to serve you (aligns well with your view of reality), and an opportunity to come back and pick up the conversation. At the same time, when you’ve done something for someone, they subconsciously feel the need to pay you back, which could be useful later on.

After I bring back your drink, I might say something like “You know, we have quite a wide variety of models to choose from…what are you looking to get out of a new car?” This gives you the opportunity to help me understand your perspective, the problem that you’re trying to solve. If you have a wife and 3 kids and need a new family car, it would have been doubly ineffective trying to sell you the latest sports coupe, and could have pushed you right out the door and off to another dealership.

As I listen to what you have to say, I’m watching for things that are important to you. Do you plan to go on road trips with the family? Do your kids play sports? Is the car mainly for you, your wife, or both? Do you hate minivans? Do you dream of someday owning a sports car? The more I understand about your view of the world, the better able I am to tailor my offer.

I need to know if it would be way more effective to talk about safety ratings, gas mileage, entertainment options, etc. as opposed to horsepower, acceleration, sports seats, etc. I can build on the things that matter to you, based on the feedback you provide.

If I take this approach, my chances of selling you a car improve dramatically, and it really wasn't that hard. A little service, a little patience. Anyone can do this!

Talk to people. Listen to what they tell you. Learn everything you can about their view of the world. Adapt your message accordingly.

If you take this approach and use the quirks of human relativity to your advantage, then regardless of what you do for a living, you’ll find it VASTLY easier to succeed in life.

*Originally published on LinkedIn, here.