The Quest for the Missing Piece

Not sure if I’ve been living under a rock, pseudo-hermit that I am, but I just recently came across this meme, and hot damn it slapped me hard across the face 😭

I immediately showed it to my wife, and her response based on many conversations with me was simply…”Oooffff.”

For the longest time I’ve had two thoughts relentlessly bouncing around my noggin (well, lots more than two, but these two in particular):

1. What does it mean to be authentic, and how does one go about becoming the most authentic version of themselves? What role does surrender play in this? How about free will?

2. What if I’m a puzzle that’s missing a piece…somehow broken or incomplete? How would I know one way or the other? And what could I do about it? Anything?

As you might imagine, this line of thinking opens up one hell of a can of worms.

It has led me to read countless books on self-help, philosophy, psychology, neuroscience, religion, mysticism, spirituality, and damn near everything in-between in search of answers to my questions…not to mention uprooting my life (twice), traveling the world for 5+ years as a nomad, writing a metric fuck ton (two books and hundreds of blog posts), doing a variety of psychedelics (LSD is by far my fave, psilocybin was meh, still need to try DMT), dabbling in meditation, journaling, and on and on and on.

At the heart of it, I simply want to know how best to play the game of life.

Can you relate oh fellow seeker?

Are you also trying to figure out “who am I really?” or “am I missing some crucial piece?” or “do I go back to the carpet store or take Roy off grid??”

Good questions.

But the more I search for answers, the more questions I find.

In my observation it seems like most if not all of us, in some way or another, feel broken or at least incomplete. The world sure is structured in such a way that we’re made to feel as much. Imposter syndrome is one expression of this. Seeking external validation is also. And never being satisfied, always grasping greedily for more, is yet another.

So, let’s poke a bit at what I’ve learned, what aspects of my questions I have been able to answer, and then let’s poke at the ever-expanding list of missing pieces 😂

Thanks in large part to going down the enlightenment/non-duality rabbit hole ~4 years ago, and having tested this “detractio ad minima” prescription extensively, I think I can safely say that the key to authenticity IS subtraction…but only after, or perhaps in conjunction with, exploration.

Contrary to the Tabula Rasa idea that we’re born a blank slate, in fact we’re born with some very firm innate wiring in regards to core personality and our general approach to interfacing with and interpreting reality (Nature, Hardware).

There is some environmental shaping that takes place, to a degree (Nurture, Software), but in reality that only tweaks the dials within the Nature-set range. Maybe with rare exceptions for extreme trauma.

Those “software” add-ons, placed there largely by others during our childhood (a big part of why free will seems bogus), are the things that pull you further away from your authentic self. They may have a purpose, an external function, but in many cases that purpose/function is in conflict with who you really are, and what you should really be doing with your life.

For example, take the character Bill Johnson in the movie Pleasantville:

Bill ran a soda shop, that was basically his “scripted” role, but who he felt he was, who he really wanted to be, was an artist. And only by both exploration into what brought him joy AND stripping away what he wasn’t (and with an outside nudge) could he be what he truly was “meant” to be.

Of course, the more attached you are to aspects of your identity placed there by others, the more you’ve come to believe those are “you”, the more painful and difficult it becomes to strip them away. It took a major environmental shift for Bill to make that change.

There’s a reason major crises almost always precede major changes; it’s VERY hard to get the oomph to break out of the bullshit box without a strong push.

So, having personally gone through this in multiple ways, both exploring far and wide, and having stripped away and detached from many if not most of the bits that aren’t me, I think I have a very clear view of who and what I really am…up to a point.

And that’s where I’m presently stuck :/

In many times many ways my life is amazing, but it is not without its rough edges. And if I’m being honest it’s not remotely what I had pictured or planned for myself, though frankly no plan survives first contact with reality.

That said, the few aspects I would change seem quite…intractable.

Some days I question whether I should even rock the boat, since in so many ways things are ideal. But at the same time, it also feels like things are just slightly out of alignment, like a perpetual itch you can’t reach or remove, if you know what I mean?

Like a brake that brakes perfectly in terms of stopping power, but squeaks like a motherfucker whenever you use it. It’s fine ish, it’s functional, but it’s also got an annoying, grating aspect to it that you just can’t ignore or get used to.

I feel like I know who I am and what I truly love doing, and I very clearly know who I’m not and what I hate doing…and yet I find myself “having” to do many things that are inauthentic (squeaky brake things) in order to take care of the bottommost rung of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs for myself and my family.

Earning money feels like a chore.

But I remind myself I’ve reached a position where essentially all of my problems except for money problems are solved or close enough.

The frustrating part though is that tackling the top 2 tiers seems like it would be infinitely simpler if the bottom rung did not necessitate staying on the hamster wheel.

And this for me is where the missing piece comes in, because literally from the time I was a very young child, I’ve *wanted* to be wealthy. I used to write out Christmas lists that had $100,000+ worth of shit on the list (thanks Sears Catalog!) There was a time where I knew the cost and stats of every exotic car, every major yacht, private jet, luxury watch, and on and on.

I read the Robb Report and basked in all the luxuries I would someday have 😅

Having been raised in a single-earner middle class home, but with a few very rich friends, I had constant visibility into what it was like for someone else to have basically whatever they wanted. Luxury cars, big screen TVs, servants, toys, you name it.

I wanted that HARD.

And to a child, having whatever you wanted seemed to be the definition of rich, so I was enthralled. And to a degree at least this is true.

But as I’ve become older and somewhat wiser, I’ve realized that being rich is much more about being free to spend your time entirely as you see fit, and much less about the acquisition of things.

Rich is not *having* to do anything, being able to either ignore or entirely outsource the things you don’t want to deal with.

It’s real freedom of time AND choice.

—

Side Bar: I’m aware of course that you don’t ever *have* to do anything. There may be consequences for not doing it, but you don’t *have* to do it. Tradeoffs. Compromise. Yada yada.

—

The sad, ironic thing is that so many money rich people seem to be miserable…

And Jim is largely correct here, money won’t magically make you happy. If you are miserable for non-monetary reasons, you’ll still be (almost) as miserable with more money…but money can at least solve the money problems that weigh you down, and liberate you to work on the other more important things.

Which brings us to the idea of “money poor” rich people.

Because there are in fact at least two ways to be “rich”, one of which requires money, and another which requires compromise. Let’s begin with the latter.

The path of compromise is maybe best represented by something like ERE (Early Retirement Extreme), which focuses on reducing wants and needs to a ridiculously low point, so you no longer need much money to be “rich”.

Want less, need less. Seems smart!

The problem with this however is the compromise that appears to be involved.

First, in order to live at such a level, you have to spend more of your *time* on all sorts of things (repairs, cleaning, growing food, etc.), because you don’t have money to spend on someone else’s time for those things…and since time is far more scarce and valuable than money, in my mind this is almost categorically a bad compromise.

You’re generally going to be better off improving your income per hour worked and outsourcing tasks to folks who operate with lower leverage.

Second, you might need to live far below your ideal level of comfort in order to make this work, and then perpetually try to convince yourself you’re happy this way (when you really aren’t), and then live with regret for not trying to live at the level that was truly authentic to you. No bueno.

And of course, living inauthentically is also an awful compromise in and of itself.

Are there people for whom ERE or a similar life approach is a perfect match, with no actual compromise? Probably!

But I’d wager it’s a small percentage of the adherents, mostly the ones who don’t talk about it and just quietly live/enjoy it.

Usually the more effort someone puts into convincing others they love something or should do something, the more they are probably trying to convince themselves.

Delude others to reinforce your delusions.

And so I keep circling back to this idea:

Authenticity does not compromise.

In fact, compromise may be THE perfect antonym for authenticity.

And that brings us to the “money rich”.

Money is, effectively, an encapsulation of time. With enough money, you’re not only free in terms of how you spend your time, but you have access to choices and options that are otherwise out of reach because you can spend others’ time

There are far fewer compromises, and thus more opportunity for authenticity.

The movie In Time framed this surprisingly well (I love this movie):

There ARE both things and experiences that can *only* be acquired or bestowed by someone with wealth. I’ve been fortunate enough to briefly sample some of these things…which in some ways is worse than having never done so.

It’s why a once free captive is so much worse off than one born in captivity, for they know what they’re missing.

With luck, in time, with the help of AI and robotics, perhaps this will change. Perhaps we will all have everything we need, much of what we want, and the freedom to spend our time only on the things we love, all without having to shed a drop of sweat or time for money.

One of my favorite post-scarcity sci-fi book series, The Culture by Iain Banks, showcases this well:

Star Trek was quite similar in many ways, though I’d argue The Culture is the superior society vs. The Federation.

Perhaps we’ll all have access to any thing or experience we can imagine, at effectively no cost…I HOPE that day comes, soon, but sadly that day is not today, and so we continue to grind away.

For a select few I hear it’s possible to find your Ikigai, the intersection of what you love doing, what you are uniquely gifted at, and what makes you money, so you get to have your cake and eat it too…lucky fuckers!

To those who have found and monetized their truest passions, I salute you!!

If there is a secret to finding this magical intersection, I’ve yet to find it.

I know what feels like play, but monetizing enough to support a family on one income is fucking HARD.

It IS possible, but it is NOT easy.

It could very well simply be a “times at bat” thing, or maybe a timing thing, or perhaps a sheer dumb luck thing.

TBD.

I LOVE reading, writing, thinking, simplifying complex things, playing video games, going for long walks, traveling, cooking and eating amazing food, long discussions about interesting topics, and helping people to solve their thorniest problems…and I’ve been able to monetize some of these to a very small degree.

But definitely not consistently nor to a degree I can live off/support a family with.

The thing is, it’s perhaps not a failure of knowledge (at least not entirely), but more so a lack of ambition.

Mea fucking culpa.

This is my hang-up, because I clearly see the value in both being authentic AND in having the wealth that frees one to live authentically *without compromise*, but I cannot for the life of me muster the oomph to go out and build that wealth 🤣

For example, I read The 4-Hour Workweek in 2007 or 2008, loved it, took a lot of it to heart (especially concepts like ”fear setting”, “income per hour worked” and “delegate, eliminate, automate, liberate”), but then I promptly went out and started a service business instead of a product. And then I focused that service biz on things only I could do, and that I couldn’t really automate or outsource. And then I focused solely on the one-off projects I loved (SEO audits), but not recurring revenue 🤦‍♂️

Let’s just say that bit me in the ass around 2020…

Having listened to 100+ episodes of David Senra’s Founders Podcast (which, if you aren’t already listening to, what the fuck is wrong with you? 😁), I can say categorically that I COMPLETELY lack the level of obsession and drive that seems to be a prerequisite for building great wealth.

My missing puzzle piece…

The greatest irony here is that I’m exceptionally good at helping other people to become wealthy, or wealthier, having guided multiple individuals and business to exactly that end, but I’m absolutely awful at doing the same for myself 😭

I’m a thinker, a dreamer, a strategist, but absolutely not a builder…I’m just vastly too lazy, and not remotely self-promotional enough or driven enough to do it differently.

I live authentically, but suffer for it financially.

The quintessential starving artist 🤣

Here’s the thing though: I have, for the longest time, had the strongest, strangest sense that I’m in the process of serendipitously collecting puzzle pieces, and that someday I’ll have just the right set needed to complete my puzzle, which is part of why that image from the start of this post struck such a chord.

And who knows, maybe we’re all here to do exactly that, to find our scattered puzzle pieces and fully assemble our personal puzzles.

Hard to say though.

There are quite a few viable reality models, only some of which align with this.

But here and now I sure seem to be missing a puzzle piece (or maybe many, since I have no frame of reference), but I am (hopefully, maybe) not broken…just temporarily incomplete.

Perhaps, once I collect whatever pieces are missing along my path, I’ll find the wealth I believe I need to live fully authentically and without compromise.

Or maybe I’ll find that I no longer need it at all. Or that everything is already perfect -as it is, and only my desire for something different was problematic.

Perhaps we’re all just metaphorical keys looking for our matching locks…

Or maybe that’s hooey and I’m just fucked, cursed in some near-Sisyphean way to grind right all the way to my grave.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But damn it all, I’d REALLY like to know what it’s like to no longer worry about paying the bills, to live my days spending time only on the things that I love, to create with a passion and help others with abandon, and all without having to compromise on my authentic nature and preferences or become a hobo or live like a pauper.

*Deep breath*

To tie it all together, I’ve been thinking about this stuff for a long time, but it came to a head when I read this tweet the other day, which was like getting kicked in the nuts:

Thanks David 😂

My response, unsurprisingly, was this:

In the right hands, I am an *extremely* long lever.

I see patterns and solutions like Haley Joel Osment sees dead people. I’m the consummate synthesizer and dot connector.

But as a neurodivergent, hardcore introvert who never ever wants to work anywhere but from home, I often find it very difficult to get my skills into the right hands, and then struggle to ask for what’s fair based on the impact I generate.

Hell, I once did consulting work for a company that was so high-leverage that my work alone drove almost $100m in additional revenue over a 2 year period. My compensation? Less than $100k all in. My boss of course got an exotic car and a fancy house and god knows what else.

Oops.

Because I’ve often struggled with money, whenever I make something I always try to make at least some version of it free (like both of my books, Screw the Zoo and The Grand Redesign), so that others can benefit from what I produce even if they can’t afford it.

I can attest that this is not a great way to get rich!

But I hope, somehow, that I am planting seeds that will someday bear fruit. But if not, at least I know that I acted authentically, and in some small way perhaps made the world a better place.

Anywho, that’s probably enough.

I had an inkling to write something extra transparent, and this has been weighing on me for a while, and so here it is.

Do with it as you will!

I’ll keep asking questions and poking at the nature of reality and sharing what I learn along the way. I can’t help myself ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But if by some chance you’re a wealthy patron (or know one) who is looking to support a creative soul who just wants to stop spending their limited time on frustrating bullshit like acquiring money to pay the bills, I’ll gladly accept cash, check, or card 😁

And I’d be more than happy to help you solve whatever problem you’re stuck on as a thank you!