It Isn't Nice to Point
It’s human nature to point the finger at someone else, to shield ourselves from fault and guilt. When we believe we've failed at something, or when something happens that we don’t like or don’t understand, we have a tendency to look outward for something or someone to blame.
And to be fair, perhaps the Universe or programmer or "creator" IS to blame...but that's generally an unproductive line of thinking, as is personally attaching to emotions (I am sad) rather than seeing them as impersonal and transient (a feeling of sadness is moving through me).
We don’t like being wrong, feeling guilty, or facing things we can’t control or explain, so we do our damnedest to pass the buck and/or assign blame wherever possible, and to hide from anything that makes us uncomfortable or that calls into question our closely held beliefs.
But (and this is a BIG but) by assigning blame to someone else, we are essentially giving up whatever choice we may possess. Saying, “It’s so-and-so’s fault, not mine,” or anything to that effect might as well be translated as, “I am but a sheep who follows the flock, and I therefore pass my choices off to someone else.”
While some people seem able to rise above their baser instincts, it seems like far too many are not. Are we (wo)men, or are we sheep? Baaaahhhh.
Still don't think blame is a big deal? The criminal justice system proves the point quite nicely. If people took responsibility for their actions, a judge and jury would be unnecessary. Those who committed crimes and got caught would admit fault and take their licks.
Alas, it isn't so, and our criminal justice system keeps ticking to the tune of tens of billions of dollars per year. The burden of shifting blame is a heavy burden indeed.
So how, you might ask, do you overcome the propensity to cast blame? With exercise! Every day for the next week, at the end of each day, I want you to do the following (you can also do this throughout the day, whatever floats your boat):
Grab a pen and a piece of paper. (No, not your iPhone...pen and paper. Physically writing uses a different part of the brain.)
Mentally examine your day and ask yourself, “At any point today, did I fail to take responsibility for my actions? Did I cast blame on anyone?”
Write down each instance that day that you cast blame, or failed to take ownership over your circumstances. Be detailed, because the more detailed you are, the more likely you are to remember it.
Make a commitment that tomorrow, if you find yourself blaming others or relinquishing ownership, you will stop blaming and just accept reality as it is. Then, from a clearer perspective, you can leave the past in the past and take action to change whatever truly needs to be changed in the here and now.
At the start of each new day, read your list from the day before and reaffirm your commitment to not cast blame that day. "I will act as needed in each moment, and move forward." Blame is a form of time travel, and time travel of that sort just leads to depression. Fuck that, move on.
Rinse and repeat, day after day, until you’ve mastered this concept.
When you identify external things as the source of your unhappiness, you miss the mark entirely. Your happiness is an internal issue, and your resistance to how things are is the source of the friction. Blame will NEVER make you happy, and it won't fix things either...it's just another excuse to justify your unhappiness.
“You take your life in your own hands, and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame.”
– Erica Jong